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Once completed, we sat down for the results. Yet I entered this with total confidence, convinced the tests would all go well. What was surreal, is that by nature I’m a pessimist. The process was pretty shit, quite frankly. Resolutely, we entered the world of fertility consultants – tube and egg checks, and testing sperm. It was strange given we were old enough, I thought, to know what went where.
LIFE IS STRANGE STORY EXPLAINED CRACKED
She’d be pregnant in no time, I thought, and, filled with excitement, we cracked on protection-less that very night.Ī few months in, we’d made no progress. I talked to Anya, and we agreed to start trying. I’m so pleased they got pregnant when they did or I might not have considered it until retirement. But for some reason we hadn’t taken it.Īs I pulled my brother close, all this came crashing down. My wife and I had long had the opportunity. But having children had always been a priority. Of course, I’d wanted to keep up my adventures and was nervous about the responsibilities that would come with fatherhood. I’d always assumed we’d have a large litter, but in an instant I realised the prospect of that was all but gone. I’d failed to recognise my needs, and somehow forgotten about the passage of time. What on earth had we been waiting for? Anya’s clock was ticking. Rather, I was immediately asking myself: how has he got round to this before me? Christ, I thought, Anya and I are both nearly 40. Not at this joyful information – for him I couldn’t have been happier. Even as my arms raised up to hug my younger brother, I was thinking: oh shit. It’s astonishing how quickly my brain went into overload. We walked down to the end of the garden and, looking out across the Baltic Sea, he told me his partner was pregnant.
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My brother came to see us, keen to deliver some news. It was August and she and I were on an idyllic holiday in Denmark. My wife Anya, for instance, just enjoys life as it comes. I’m slightly jealous, in truth, of those who don’t have that imperative.
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It was fundamental to how I navigated the world. I’d always seen having children as a key part of my purpose on this planet, believing that creating new life was part of my biological destiny. I still beat myself up about how much of an idiot I was over so many years.